What a bad week. I don't like it, and I am not alright. But I don't want to give up and lose the fight.
First, The person whom I thought of as a best friend, became instantly a lie and an irritant. We were in a certain Whatsapp group, and I was pretty much inactive most of the time, because I just have no interest in the things that they were saying. The conversation was pretty much only between two people. Why should I cut in right?
And the thing is, I don't know if he's trying to be funny, or trying to impress the girl in the Whatsapp group, but he made fun of me, saying that I was busy self-mutilating when the others asked about my whereabouts. The hell, he called it off, as a joke later on. I don't get the joke and I don't think it's funny. I have my happy moments too and he needs to respect that. But making fun of me, by saying that I self-mutilate, is too much. I don't care what's his intentions, but at that point of time, it just feels to me that he's making use of me, to send the message across that he's funny. I don't think it's funny to make fun of a friend. How about I make fun of you, saying things that you don't want me to?
That got me pretty worked up and eventually, a nasty flu followed, because I felt like I lost a best friend in that moment.
Secondly, I had a heated exchange with some of the EXCOs members. I always thought that I was doing a good job as President of the Club but I was told that I wasn't doing a good job at all. Imagine, the crash I felt, at that moment. Some of the suggestions, provided were valid and good, but some was just...I don't know, too personal. It was like, I didn't do anything wrong, you refuse to tell me what's wrong, and now you blame me, while you did nothing?
And I hurt two of my friends, whom were Heads too. I didn't even notice that, until it was late. I quickly apologised and I hope that things are alright. But the hell? I just wished that I was better.
Thirdly, I was at an event. And I was so excited about checking my class because, it was just released. To me, I didn't care where I was at, what time was it, but I just wanted to know who's in my class because it was that important to me! It's my last Semester before I will be going on internship. I just want a good experience before I go off and that's why the class schedule was the only thing on my mind back then.
And then I got scolded. It wasn't a normal scolding like, Stop it! or Stop using the laptop now. It was like Stop using the laptop now, if you're not interested, you can go home now. That was just hurtful and adding everything on, I had it. Why wouldn't I be interested? I slogged, I worked hard for the Club, I tried my best, I always am interested and passionate about everything in Service-Learning. You name any event, I have never ever, ever thought the other way that Service-Learning events are boring. It's just that at that point of time, I sidetracked a bit, but that doesn't justify that my passion for Service-Learning events or SLC has disappeared.
It hurts because, it came from a person that matters to me, someone that I can always count on. I know she had her reasons why she was pissed off. But why, so hurtful? I blame the situation at that point of time. Being sick, meant that I was already easily pissed off, and I had a really bad week. I didn't have a good sleep cause I was suffering from a bad cough, I didn't have any appetite at all for my meals. Why did it have to happen?
With my childish mentality, I would have walked out in angry stomps, I can assure you. And at that moment, I wanted to. I thought, so be it, since you think I am not interested, then so be it, I thought you should know best, but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why you were so mad, but I ain't taking any shit from you, I had enough.
But something held me back. I am here for those kids. I am not here to prove once again, how childish I was, and I am certainly not here, just to leave after being hurt and scolded. I am here to make them smile and I ain't going to walk out of anywhere, I am here to stay. I am not going to let my childish thoughts tell me what I should do. I am just going to calm down right now, and I am going to just do whatever I can here. I am going to make my own day happy, and I am going to make the kids happy.
And I did, which I am really proud of. But afterwards, I guess I was too tired to fight the negative thoughts so I'd just let them flow. And I just realised I got into the same class as my ex, afterwards, something I wished it didn't happen.
I am really tired ya know? I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't have anyone to share what I am thinking, but what am I supposed to do? If I could describe how I feel now, I would say, I feel like I just got hit by a incoming bus, at high speed, then flew off to Mount Fuji, and started to roll down the mountain all the way, just to be robbed till the undies, and then I had to beg on the streets, just so I had enough money to call home, and ask for help. Now, I just hope I don't have to experience the feeling that I would get hung up on, after I went through so much just to have enough money to call home.
