Positivity or Negativity? White or Black?

People say that I am extreme in some ways which I totally can relate to why. In my World, there's no grey area. It's either white or black, as it picture it to be. There's no grey. There's no other colours, just white and black. And I happened to love it that way.

To be able to fight for something you want to fight for, and even if it costs me everything to do so, I'll still fight. Cause that's how I think I should live. Either I go hard, or go home. There's nothing exciting about Life actually, so why should I bore myself? I bring the game on. I am the Game.

But recently, a chain of negative events happened and it made me start thinking. Lots of friend around me, they believe in this positive thinking stuff. But for me, it's totally different. I don't know why it's different for me. I just like to feel the pain. I just like to feel the burn. Thinking positively is just not working out for me at any point in time. In fact, it's always making things worse.

I am not committing suicide. I am not killing myself. I am not doing anything crazy, heck, the craziest thing I have ever done, is posting a status on farting, on Facebook these few days. Positive thinking? Why when I am happy being myself? People say, think positive. But I feel like they are forcing it on me, rather than to accept me for who I am.

He said he was raised to think positively. I didn't get such an opportunity. I was raised to do everything on my own, to tackle everything on my own, to escape everything on my own, to face everything on my own. I was taught to be independent and trained to be alone. You may think it's just some other bullshit story, but here's the one, out of 10, that really really hurts and sucks.

But do I go around telling people my story? No. I don't know what are friends. She said I am thinking of myself and not about others. Hey, sometimes, I do get tired of thinking about others. She just happens to be the unlucky one out of 10 people. Let's look back on history alright? Year 1 Semester 1, when I had a crush on a girl in class, and was extremely close to her, who came crashing in, and messed up everything? My good friend in class. I eventually gave up, why? I drifted apart from her, why? Cause I thought my friend would treat her better and my friend would be happy that way.

During One Heart!, I had another crush on another girl. Now this time, what happened? Who? I had things and people taken away from me, and who did those things to me? Friends. I had no friends since primary school. Secondary school friends were long time forgotten and moved on. JC mates, well, let's just say that they were busy and I was busy too. I know it's easy to play the victim. But I grew up in such an environment where friends stayed for a period of time, and then they left. I grew up, knowing that. Even if I am alone now, I wouldn't mind at all.

The thing about Love triangles, is that, the most painful moment about it, is not when you realised the girl is attached to the guy. It's when you realised the guy who took away the girl, is your good friend. Nobody will understand how it feels, cause they have never been in it. I am happy being myself and I ask you to leave me as I am. Positive thinking just screws up my life. I am only happy, or sad, or tired. As long as I feel alright, there's no need for me to think positively, because I feel that it's just reminding you of the same situation but just in a good way, which practically sucks, cause you tell yourself it's alright.

But people get hurt. It hurts, it's not alright. Therefore, sometimes, it's alright not to be alright. As long as I have done my part and my job, I think I pretty damn well deserve the right to be myself. It's because of the darkness that I have went through, that made me understood and the person I am today. Don't change the darkness cause you don't like the person it has made me. If you're a positive thinker, then be glad that the darkness didn't kill me, didn't engulf me, it just made me stronger every single time. Pain is just a feeling that makes me feel real, so that I know everything isn't a dream.

One day, I will be sick and tired of people taking away things and people from me. Maybe when that happens, maybe I'll know what are friends.

Love-Hate Relationship

Ever had something you like so much, or used to like so much, that turned into hatred for the same thing. I did, this week.

Something went wrong this week and let's call that Project A. Project A is a project where we will help others in need out. It's a project that has offered time and time again, Hope and Joy. Recruitment for volunteers in Project A started last week and the numbers weren't very positive. It wasn't my project so it was hard for me to decide, to intervene or not.

Eventually, I did. I blasted the email to people I knew. My classmates was such a dear and they helped out when they saw that I was struggling. My classmates understood me better than this person, called Person G. Person G was one of the in charge of this project and he was one of my trusted friends. When the week started, I alerted Person G that there were problems with the recruitment of Project A. Instead, Person G just shook me off, by saying, Can one, Can one.

He went back to focus on another project. Project B. In the end, we had to make a lot of changes to Project A in order to fit the number of volunteers recruited to the activities in the Project A, so that we can prevent lesser risk taken in the project. Project B was postponed too. We tried to chase after two rabbits at once, and it seems like we got none.

My friends whom signed up for the event, a lot of them actually, asked me, why it happened. I can't find the words to reply, except to do so honestly. Some of them were clearly disappointed. Is that what the Club that I belong to, stands for now? Why? Why has the Club that I loved, that I fought for relentlessly, that I didn't gave up on, that I persist in my passion, become something that I hate, something that I just can't be bothered with, something that doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

What does this mean? Why do I feel this urge to just walk out and quit. Why. It's a learning opportunity. But why do I feel that we have learnt nothing at all? I can't pretend that I am fine. I can't pretend that it's alright. Why has things come to such a state? Why did the Club become something like that? Where have I gone wrong? The Club that used to energise me with its people, inspire me with its project, cheer me up with its nonsense that we used to do together, has became a Club that's draining me physically and emotionally because of its people, making me despair more with its projects, and all the nonsense that we used to have, became full of bullshit excuses, quarrels, disagreements, depressed emotions?

If anyone can hear me, what should I do?