The End.

I really wish that things this time, will be the End. No more. It's just a problem between two people. So why has it become our problem? If everybody just be mindful of their actions a little bit more, all these shit could have been avoided. What seems to be a problem between two people, now has become a problem with the entire Club.

Is this all worth it? I am getting real tired of this. We can't flare up at those who are responsible. We have to tell ourselves that we have to be rational. So what's their punishment in this? Where's the Justice? Isn't it unfair to us all, who didn't do a single thing?

The End. Really. Lets all hope it's the End, so that we can remain some sanity among all these insanity. And please, don't act like you're the victim, and going all, 'Nobody understands me so don't judge' kind of bullshit. It's fucking in your face. You are the problem. Nobody is judging except to tell you to mind your fucking business and stop causing problems.

Just stop. Really.

Letter to God

Dear God,

Once again, I've fell in love with this girl, I barely known for 2 months. And here I go again, thinking that she may be the one. I am afraid if I messed this up, I would be single the rest of my life.

She's leaving in two days, for university as well as her vacations. These past two months, I've been coming up with reasons for me to stay away from her, as well as being rather cold to her, so that I can avoid all these crap. I got hurt 2 times in a row, I don't want to get hurt again.

I don't know what I should do. I don't know how should I feel. God, I know this isn't a one for one exchange kind of deal, and it isn't the way how you work. But I really need some guidance, and some Hope right now. I admit that I've never always relied on you, and have always survive my own way. But this time, this is too much for me to think about. Or rather, I am confused. God, for all the good things I've done in my life so far, I hope that you will give me another chance. A chance to be happy again, a chance to be full of hope again.

I am afraid to say that I would really miss her, after she goes. And I really do think she's cute, and I like her. But all these, just can't be expressed through my mouth. I don't know what to do, or what to feel. God, please save an outcast like me.

I don't understand.

I don't understand. Why do I feel so transparent in front of other people? Is it maybe because I'm jealous that other people are getting the attention instead of me? All I know is, this feeling sucks, big time. I don't get it. Am I doing any less work compared to others? Am I not going through any harsh times like other people do? Am I not having enough moments that gets me down? I don't get it.

Do I appear as if, I am not afraid of being lonely?

People: XXX is so busy lately. We must help him. XXX is so stressed up lately.

Me: Hey, what about me? My workload isn't any lesser than theirs, in fact it's more. Why doesn't anybody show me any concern at all?

People: XXX is sick. *Gives the Awwww face* We must take care of him.

Me: Hey, I was very sick just a few days ago. Nobody even noticed. What the hell?

Do people even understand how it feels like, when you're going through a bad day, and you're trying to hide it all away, and the least, people could do is to stop talking about other people, like your bad day didn't even matter to them?

How long has it been, since anyone gave me any encouragements when I needed it? Since when has anyone gave me a slightest tinge of Hope whenever I needed it? Since when has anyone felt that something's not right with me, and comes to volunteer as my listening ear.

Everybody's just, on Facebook,

XXX: Hey Crayon. I am feeling a bit down, can you inspire me and make me feel better?

Me: I just do whatever I need to do.

In reality,

Me: Hey, are you alright? It's okay, let's talk.

XXX: I have xxxx problems, and they are xxxx and xxxx.

Me: Gives encouragement, gives Hope, gives support.

When I needed help, when I needed someone to hear me out,

XXX: Busy.

YYY: Not close enough with him.

ZZZ: Stressed up.

AAA: Busy.

Where's everyone? I used to feel so needed, now I'm just not needed. In fact, I am not even part of the picture anymore. It feels like ever since I went on internship, It's like everybody's already kicking me out of their lives. Like I don't matter anymore.

Oh, it's okay. Crayon's easily irreplaceable with XXX. Whatever Crayon can do, XXX and YYY can do.

I am just afraid, that the day, I go back to school, is the day that I discover, whomever I was close with in the past, that place that I used to occupy, that special feeling that everybody gives me, becomes the property of another man/woman. It's like Crayon never existed and was never ever there.

Once in a while, I would feel good, if anyone bothered to check on me and give me encouragements. Just once in a while. Just once in a while, I would like to hear them say, Hey, I missed you. This feeling of nothing ever feels right, just makes me so angry, and so depressed.

This pathetic constant desire for some concern and attention drives me insane. I don't ever want to feel this way AGAIN! I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need you, and I especially don't need you. If this is the way, I am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world, then this shall be the last time, I am doing so.

I don't care. I am not fine, I am angry, and I'm probably explode in your face. So do me a favor, God. Just shut up with the inner voice, Help him, help her. HELP ME IF YOU ARE EVER THERE before, I ever turn into a monster I'll never ever want myself to be.

Someone, give me Hope, please.

P.S: I am thankful, for this girl whom I shall not named, who shows me the concern I needed once in a while. We take the LRT together, going round and round, thank you for making me happy, you know who you are.

The other World.

It's against any scientific evidence or theories. There's no hard cold truth to this, nor is there any hope of believing that it exists. But somehow, I get this feeling. There's another World than the one I'm living in right now.

Some people may think I am a Mad scientist gone mad, but whatever it is, I do believe somewhere out there, in the universe, another me is living in another World. If this is the World where how it should be, and the other me is living in a World where it's like how I wanna it to be, then, I'd rather keep on playing my role.

I may not be the me, or living in a World like how I wanna it to be, but at least, in this World, everything is real. My family is here, my friends are here, my passion, my favorite food, my dreams, everything that's important to me is here.

Maybe in another World, I'd be living like how I wanted to, but in this World, I'm happy. I just want to protect everything that's important to me.

If the other me, from the World sees this message, all I want to say is, I hope you're doing well, and promise me, you will never give up on yourself. Go after your dreams, and chase them down whatever it is, even if it means changing the World. It sounds crazy, it sounds stupid, but whatever it is, no matter where we are from, we are still the same. We are Kenneth and Crayon. There's no way nothing is impossible for us, as long as we try.

Lost.

Seems like this pathetic blog is the only place, I can find my solace.

I am not depressed about anything at all, just super confused about every single thing.

I think I owe some people an explanation, but here's an explanation that will never reach their ears.

There are some people whom I honestly can say, I have been very mean to, or bad to. It's not because I wanted to, it's because the situation was too hectic for me to organise my thoughts properly. To them, I appear hot or cold, then I am yes or no, suddenly, I'm in and then I'm out.

I am sorry. If you guys could see this, it's really because I am too used to being strong on my own. It's like I am afraid of people knowing my problems, my everything. So I choose to shoulder everything, if I can't, I'll let it seep out a little, just so that I don't explode. It's not that I am antisocial, just that, I don't know how to start or where to start, or whom to start with.

And at times, I like to keep to myself, it's not because I'm antisocial, it's because I just love the peace and quiet, far away from the rowdy noises and people chattering. I am just a quiet guy whom tends to be misunderstood, that's all. It's not that I don't like to meet people or talk, it just makes my ears more comfortable and I feel relaxed when it's quiet.

Positivity or Negativity? White or Black?

People say that I am extreme in some ways which I totally can relate to why. In my World, there's no grey area. It's either white or black, as it picture it to be. There's no grey. There's no other colours, just white and black. And I happened to love it that way.

To be able to fight for something you want to fight for, and even if it costs me everything to do so, I'll still fight. Cause that's how I think I should live. Either I go hard, or go home. There's nothing exciting about Life actually, so why should I bore myself? I bring the game on. I am the Game.

But recently, a chain of negative events happened and it made me start thinking. Lots of friend around me, they believe in this positive thinking stuff. But for me, it's totally different. I don't know why it's different for me. I just like to feel the pain. I just like to feel the burn. Thinking positively is just not working out for me at any point in time. In fact, it's always making things worse.

I am not committing suicide. I am not killing myself. I am not doing anything crazy, heck, the craziest thing I have ever done, is posting a status on farting, on Facebook these few days. Positive thinking? Why when I am happy being myself? People say, think positive. But I feel like they are forcing it on me, rather than to accept me for who I am.

He said he was raised to think positively. I didn't get such an opportunity. I was raised to do everything on my own, to tackle everything on my own, to escape everything on my own, to face everything on my own. I was taught to be independent and trained to be alone. You may think it's just some other bullshit story, but here's the one, out of 10, that really really hurts and sucks.

But do I go around telling people my story? No. I don't know what are friends. She said I am thinking of myself and not about others. Hey, sometimes, I do get tired of thinking about others. She just happens to be the unlucky one out of 10 people. Let's look back on history alright? Year 1 Semester 1, when I had a crush on a girl in class, and was extremely close to her, who came crashing in, and messed up everything? My good friend in class. I eventually gave up, why? I drifted apart from her, why? Cause I thought my friend would treat her better and my friend would be happy that way.

During One Heart!, I had another crush on another girl. Now this time, what happened? Who? I had things and people taken away from me, and who did those things to me? Friends. I had no friends since primary school. Secondary school friends were long time forgotten and moved on. JC mates, well, let's just say that they were busy and I was busy too. I know it's easy to play the victim. But I grew up in such an environment where friends stayed for a period of time, and then they left. I grew up, knowing that. Even if I am alone now, I wouldn't mind at all.

The thing about Love triangles, is that, the most painful moment about it, is not when you realised the girl is attached to the guy. It's when you realised the guy who took away the girl, is your good friend. Nobody will understand how it feels, cause they have never been in it. I am happy being myself and I ask you to leave me as I am. Positive thinking just screws up my life. I am only happy, or sad, or tired. As long as I feel alright, there's no need for me to think positively, because I feel that it's just reminding you of the same situation but just in a good way, which practically sucks, cause you tell yourself it's alright.

But people get hurt. It hurts, it's not alright. Therefore, sometimes, it's alright not to be alright. As long as I have done my part and my job, I think I pretty damn well deserve the right to be myself. It's because of the darkness that I have went through, that made me understood and the person I am today. Don't change the darkness cause you don't like the person it has made me. If you're a positive thinker, then be glad that the darkness didn't kill me, didn't engulf me, it just made me stronger every single time. Pain is just a feeling that makes me feel real, so that I know everything isn't a dream.

One day, I will be sick and tired of people taking away things and people from me. Maybe when that happens, maybe I'll know what are friends.

Love-Hate Relationship

Ever had something you like so much, or used to like so much, that turned into hatred for the same thing. I did, this week.

Something went wrong this week and let's call that Project A. Project A is a project where we will help others in need out. It's a project that has offered time and time again, Hope and Joy. Recruitment for volunteers in Project A started last week and the numbers weren't very positive. It wasn't my project so it was hard for me to decide, to intervene or not.

Eventually, I did. I blasted the email to people I knew. My classmates was such a dear and they helped out when they saw that I was struggling. My classmates understood me better than this person, called Person G. Person G was one of the in charge of this project and he was one of my trusted friends. When the week started, I alerted Person G that there were problems with the recruitment of Project A. Instead, Person G just shook me off, by saying, Can one, Can one.

He went back to focus on another project. Project B. In the end, we had to make a lot of changes to Project A in order to fit the number of volunteers recruited to the activities in the Project A, so that we can prevent lesser risk taken in the project. Project B was postponed too. We tried to chase after two rabbits at once, and it seems like we got none.

My friends whom signed up for the event, a lot of them actually, asked me, why it happened. I can't find the words to reply, except to do so honestly. Some of them were clearly disappointed. Is that what the Club that I belong to, stands for now? Why? Why has the Club that I loved, that I fought for relentlessly, that I didn't gave up on, that I persist in my passion, become something that I hate, something that I just can't be bothered with, something that doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

What does this mean? Why do I feel this urge to just walk out and quit. Why. It's a learning opportunity. But why do I feel that we have learnt nothing at all? I can't pretend that I am fine. I can't pretend that it's alright. Why has things come to such a state? Why did the Club become something like that? Where have I gone wrong? The Club that used to energise me with its people, inspire me with its project, cheer me up with its nonsense that we used to do together, has became a Club that's draining me physically and emotionally because of its people, making me despair more with its projects, and all the nonsense that we used to have, became full of bullshit excuses, quarrels, disagreements, depressed emotions?

If anyone can hear me, what should I do?