I really wish that things this time, will be the End. No more. It's just a problem between two people. So why has it become our problem? If everybody just be mindful of their actions a little bit more, all these shit could have been avoided. What seems to be a problem between two people, now has become a problem with the entire Club.
Is this all worth it? I am getting real tired of this. We can't flare up at those who are responsible. We have to tell ourselves that we have to be rational. So what's their punishment in this? Where's the Justice? Isn't it unfair to us all, who didn't do a single thing?
The End. Really. Lets all hope it's the End, so that we can remain some sanity among all these insanity. And please, don't act like you're the victim, and going all, 'Nobody understands me so don't judge' kind of bullshit. It's fucking in your face. You are the problem. Nobody is judging except to tell you to mind your fucking business and stop causing problems.
Just stop. Really.
Monday 19 August 2013
Wednesday 5 June 2013
Letter to God
Dear God,
Once again, I've fell in love with this girl, I barely known for 2 months. And here I go again, thinking that she may be the one. I am afraid if I messed this up, I would be single the rest of my life.
She's leaving in two days, for university as well as her vacations. These past two months, I've been coming up with reasons for me to stay away from her, as well as being rather cold to her, so that I can avoid all these crap. I got hurt 2 times in a row, I don't want to get hurt again.
I don't know what I should do. I don't know how should I feel. God, I know this isn't a one for one exchange kind of deal, and it isn't the way how you work. But I really need some guidance, and some Hope right now. I admit that I've never always relied on you, and have always survive my own way. But this time, this is too much for me to think about. Or rather, I am confused. God, for all the good things I've done in my life so far, I hope that you will give me another chance. A chance to be happy again, a chance to be full of hope again.
I am afraid to say that I would really miss her, after she goes. And I really do think she's cute, and I like her. But all these, just can't be expressed through my mouth. I don't know what to do, or what to feel. God, please save an outcast like me.
Once again, I've fell in love with this girl, I barely known for 2 months. And here I go again, thinking that she may be the one. I am afraid if I messed this up, I would be single the rest of my life.
She's leaving in two days, for university as well as her vacations. These past two months, I've been coming up with reasons for me to stay away from her, as well as being rather cold to her, so that I can avoid all these crap. I got hurt 2 times in a row, I don't want to get hurt again.
I don't know what I should do. I don't know how should I feel. God, I know this isn't a one for one exchange kind of deal, and it isn't the way how you work. But I really need some guidance, and some Hope right now. I admit that I've never always relied on you, and have always survive my own way. But this time, this is too much for me to think about. Or rather, I am confused. God, for all the good things I've done in my life so far, I hope that you will give me another chance. A chance to be happy again, a chance to be full of hope again.
I am afraid to say that I would really miss her, after she goes. And I really do think she's cute, and I like her. But all these, just can't be expressed through my mouth. I don't know what to do, or what to feel. God, please save an outcast like me.
Sunday 2 June 2013
I don't understand.
I don't understand. Why do I feel so transparent in front of other people? Is it maybe because I'm jealous that other people are getting the attention instead of me? All I know is, this feeling sucks, big time. I don't get it. Am I doing any less work compared to others? Am I not going through any harsh times like other people do? Am I not having enough moments that gets me down? I don't get it.
Do I appear as if, I am not afraid of being lonely?
People: XXX is so busy lately. We must help him. XXX is so stressed up lately.
Me: Hey, what about me? My workload isn't any lesser than theirs, in fact it's more. Why doesn't anybody show me any concern at all?
People: XXX is sick. *Gives the Awwww face* We must take care of him.
Me: Hey, I was very sick just a few days ago. Nobody even noticed. What the hell?
Do people even understand how it feels like, when you're going through a bad day, and you're trying to hide it all away, and the least, people could do is to stop talking about other people, like your bad day didn't even matter to them?
How long has it been, since anyone gave me any encouragements when I needed it? Since when has anyone gave me a slightest tinge of Hope whenever I needed it? Since when has anyone felt that something's not right with me, and comes to volunteer as my listening ear.
Everybody's just, on Facebook,
XXX: Hey Crayon. I am feeling a bit down, can you inspire me and make me feel better?
Me: I just do whatever I need to do.
In reality,
Me: Hey, are you alright? It's okay, let's talk.
XXX: I have xxxx problems, and they are xxxx and xxxx.
Me: Gives encouragement, gives Hope, gives support.
When I needed help, when I needed someone to hear me out,
XXX: Busy.
YYY: Not close enough with him.
ZZZ: Stressed up.
AAA: Busy.
Where's everyone? I used to feel so needed, now I'm just not needed. In fact, I am not even part of the picture anymore. It feels like ever since I went on internship, It's like everybody's already kicking me out of their lives. Like I don't matter anymore.
Oh, it's okay. Crayon's easily irreplaceable with XXX. Whatever Crayon can do, XXX and YYY can do.
I am just afraid, that the day, I go back to school, is the day that I discover, whomever I was close with in the past, that place that I used to occupy, that special feeling that everybody gives me, becomes the property of another man/woman. It's like Crayon never existed and was never ever there.
Once in a while, I would feel good, if anyone bothered to check on me and give me encouragements. Just once in a while. Just once in a while, I would like to hear them say, Hey, I missed you. This feeling of nothing ever feels right, just makes me so angry, and so depressed.
This pathetic constant desire for some concern and attention drives me insane. I don't ever want to feel this way AGAIN! I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need you, and I especially don't need you. If this is the way, I am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world, then this shall be the last time, I am doing so.
I don't care. I am not fine, I am angry, and I'm probably explode in your face. So do me a favor, God. Just shut up with the inner voice, Help him, help her. HELP ME IF YOU ARE EVER THERE before, I ever turn into a monster I'll never ever want myself to be.
Someone, give me Hope, please.
P.S: I am thankful, for this girl whom I shall not named, who shows me the concern I needed once in a while. We take the LRT together, going round and round, thank you for making me happy, you know who you are.
Do I appear as if, I am not afraid of being lonely?
People: XXX is so busy lately. We must help him. XXX is so stressed up lately.
Me: Hey, what about me? My workload isn't any lesser than theirs, in fact it's more. Why doesn't anybody show me any concern at all?
People: XXX is sick. *Gives the Awwww face* We must take care of him.
Me: Hey, I was very sick just a few days ago. Nobody even noticed. What the hell?
Do people even understand how it feels like, when you're going through a bad day, and you're trying to hide it all away, and the least, people could do is to stop talking about other people, like your bad day didn't even matter to them?
How long has it been, since anyone gave me any encouragements when I needed it? Since when has anyone gave me a slightest tinge of Hope whenever I needed it? Since when has anyone felt that something's not right with me, and comes to volunteer as my listening ear.
Everybody's just, on Facebook,
XXX: Hey Crayon. I am feeling a bit down, can you inspire me and make me feel better?
Me: I just do whatever I need to do.
In reality,
Me: Hey, are you alright? It's okay, let's talk.
XXX: I have xxxx problems, and they are xxxx and xxxx.
Me: Gives encouragement, gives Hope, gives support.
When I needed help, when I needed someone to hear me out,
XXX: Busy.
YYY: Not close enough with him.
ZZZ: Stressed up.
AAA: Busy.
Where's everyone? I used to feel so needed, now I'm just not needed. In fact, I am not even part of the picture anymore. It feels like ever since I went on internship, It's like everybody's already kicking me out of their lives. Like I don't matter anymore.
Oh, it's okay. Crayon's easily irreplaceable with XXX. Whatever Crayon can do, XXX and YYY can do.
I am just afraid, that the day, I go back to school, is the day that I discover, whomever I was close with in the past, that place that I used to occupy, that special feeling that everybody gives me, becomes the property of another man/woman. It's like Crayon never existed and was never ever there.
Once in a while, I would feel good, if anyone bothered to check on me and give me encouragements. Just once in a while. Just once in a while, I would like to hear them say, Hey, I missed you. This feeling of nothing ever feels right, just makes me so angry, and so depressed.
This pathetic constant desire for some concern and attention drives me insane. I don't ever want to feel this way AGAIN! I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need you, and I especially don't need you. If this is the way, I am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world, then this shall be the last time, I am doing so.
I don't care. I am not fine, I am angry, and I'm probably explode in your face. So do me a favor, God. Just shut up with the inner voice, Help him, help her. HELP ME IF YOU ARE EVER THERE before, I ever turn into a monster I'll never ever want myself to be.
Someone, give me Hope, please.
P.S: I am thankful, for this girl whom I shall not named, who shows me the concern I needed once in a while. We take the LRT together, going round and round, thank you for making me happy, you know who you are.
Tuesday 7 May 2013
The other World.
It's against any scientific evidence or theories. There's no hard cold truth to this, nor is there any hope of believing that it exists. But somehow, I get this feeling. There's another World than the one I'm living in right now.
Some people may think I am a Mad scientist gone mad, but whatever it is, I do believe somewhere out there, in the universe, another me is living in another World. If this is the World where how it should be, and the other me is living in a World where it's like how I wanna it to be, then, I'd rather keep on playing my role.
I may not be the me, or living in a World like how I wanna it to be, but at least, in this World, everything is real. My family is here, my friends are here, my passion, my favorite food, my dreams, everything that's important to me is here.
Maybe in another World, I'd be living like how I wanted to, but in this World, I'm happy. I just want to protect everything that's important to me.
If the other me, from the World sees this message, all I want to say is, I hope you're doing well, and promise me, you will never give up on yourself. Go after your dreams, and chase them down whatever it is, even if it means changing the World. It sounds crazy, it sounds stupid, but whatever it is, no matter where we are from, we are still the same. We are Kenneth and Crayon. There's no way nothing is impossible for us, as long as we try.
Some people may think I am a Mad scientist gone mad, but whatever it is, I do believe somewhere out there, in the universe, another me is living in another World. If this is the World where how it should be, and the other me is living in a World where it's like how I wanna it to be, then, I'd rather keep on playing my role.
I may not be the me, or living in a World like how I wanna it to be, but at least, in this World, everything is real. My family is here, my friends are here, my passion, my favorite food, my dreams, everything that's important to me is here.
Maybe in another World, I'd be living like how I wanted to, but in this World, I'm happy. I just want to protect everything that's important to me.
If the other me, from the World sees this message, all I want to say is, I hope you're doing well, and promise me, you will never give up on yourself. Go after your dreams, and chase them down whatever it is, even if it means changing the World. It sounds crazy, it sounds stupid, but whatever it is, no matter where we are from, we are still the same. We are Kenneth and Crayon. There's no way nothing is impossible for us, as long as we try.
Monday 25 February 2013
Lost.
Seems like this pathetic blog is the only place, I can find my solace.
I am not depressed about anything at all, just super confused about every single thing.
I think I owe some people an explanation, but here's an explanation that will never reach their ears.
There are some people whom I honestly can say, I have been very mean to, or bad to. It's not because I wanted to, it's because the situation was too hectic for me to organise my thoughts properly. To them, I appear hot or cold, then I am yes or no, suddenly, I'm in and then I'm out.
I am sorry. If you guys could see this, it's really because I am too used to being strong on my own. It's like I am afraid of people knowing my problems, my everything. So I choose to shoulder everything, if I can't, I'll let it seep out a little, just so that I don't explode. It's not that I am antisocial, just that, I don't know how to start or where to start, or whom to start with.
And at times, I like to keep to myself, it's not because I'm antisocial, it's because I just love the peace and quiet, far away from the rowdy noises and people chattering. I am just a quiet guy whom tends to be misunderstood, that's all. It's not that I don't like to meet people or talk, it just makes my ears more comfortable and I feel relaxed when it's quiet.
I am not depressed about anything at all, just super confused about every single thing.
I think I owe some people an explanation, but here's an explanation that will never reach their ears.
There are some people whom I honestly can say, I have been very mean to, or bad to. It's not because I wanted to, it's because the situation was too hectic for me to organise my thoughts properly. To them, I appear hot or cold, then I am yes or no, suddenly, I'm in and then I'm out.
I am sorry. If you guys could see this, it's really because I am too used to being strong on my own. It's like I am afraid of people knowing my problems, my everything. So I choose to shoulder everything, if I can't, I'll let it seep out a little, just so that I don't explode. It's not that I am antisocial, just that, I don't know how to start or where to start, or whom to start with.
And at times, I like to keep to myself, it's not because I'm antisocial, it's because I just love the peace and quiet, far away from the rowdy noises and people chattering. I am just a quiet guy whom tends to be misunderstood, that's all. It's not that I don't like to meet people or talk, it just makes my ears more comfortable and I feel relaxed when it's quiet.
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