Positivity or Negativity? White or Black?

People say that I am extreme in some ways which I totally can relate to why. In my World, there's no grey area. It's either white or black, as it picture it to be. There's no grey. There's no other colours, just white and black. And I happened to love it that way.

To be able to fight for something you want to fight for, and even if it costs me everything to do so, I'll still fight. Cause that's how I think I should live. Either I go hard, or go home. There's nothing exciting about Life actually, so why should I bore myself? I bring the game on. I am the Game.

But recently, a chain of negative events happened and it made me start thinking. Lots of friend around me, they believe in this positive thinking stuff. But for me, it's totally different. I don't know why it's different for me. I just like to feel the pain. I just like to feel the burn. Thinking positively is just not working out for me at any point in time. In fact, it's always making things worse.

I am not committing suicide. I am not killing myself. I am not doing anything crazy, heck, the craziest thing I have ever done, is posting a status on farting, on Facebook these few days. Positive thinking? Why when I am happy being myself? People say, think positive. But I feel like they are forcing it on me, rather than to accept me for who I am.

He said he was raised to think positively. I didn't get such an opportunity. I was raised to do everything on my own, to tackle everything on my own, to escape everything on my own, to face everything on my own. I was taught to be independent and trained to be alone. You may think it's just some other bullshit story, but here's the one, out of 10, that really really hurts and sucks.

But do I go around telling people my story? No. I don't know what are friends. She said I am thinking of myself and not about others. Hey, sometimes, I do get tired of thinking about others. She just happens to be the unlucky one out of 10 people. Let's look back on history alright? Year 1 Semester 1, when I had a crush on a girl in class, and was extremely close to her, who came crashing in, and messed up everything? My good friend in class. I eventually gave up, why? I drifted apart from her, why? Cause I thought my friend would treat her better and my friend would be happy that way.

During One Heart!, I had another crush on another girl. Now this time, what happened? Who? I had things and people taken away from me, and who did those things to me? Friends. I had no friends since primary school. Secondary school friends were long time forgotten and moved on. JC mates, well, let's just say that they were busy and I was busy too. I know it's easy to play the victim. But I grew up in such an environment where friends stayed for a period of time, and then they left. I grew up, knowing that. Even if I am alone now, I wouldn't mind at all.

The thing about Love triangles, is that, the most painful moment about it, is not when you realised the girl is attached to the guy. It's when you realised the guy who took away the girl, is your good friend. Nobody will understand how it feels, cause they have never been in it. I am happy being myself and I ask you to leave me as I am. Positive thinking just screws up my life. I am only happy, or sad, or tired. As long as I feel alright, there's no need for me to think positively, because I feel that it's just reminding you of the same situation but just in a good way, which practically sucks, cause you tell yourself it's alright.

But people get hurt. It hurts, it's not alright. Therefore, sometimes, it's alright not to be alright. As long as I have done my part and my job, I think I pretty damn well deserve the right to be myself. It's because of the darkness that I have went through, that made me understood and the person I am today. Don't change the darkness cause you don't like the person it has made me. If you're a positive thinker, then be glad that the darkness didn't kill me, didn't engulf me, it just made me stronger every single time. Pain is just a feeling that makes me feel real, so that I know everything isn't a dream.

One day, I will be sick and tired of people taking away things and people from me. Maybe when that happens, maybe I'll know what are friends.

Love-Hate Relationship

Ever had something you like so much, or used to like so much, that turned into hatred for the same thing. I did, this week.

Something went wrong this week and let's call that Project A. Project A is a project where we will help others in need out. It's a project that has offered time and time again, Hope and Joy. Recruitment for volunteers in Project A started last week and the numbers weren't very positive. It wasn't my project so it was hard for me to decide, to intervene or not.

Eventually, I did. I blasted the email to people I knew. My classmates was such a dear and they helped out when they saw that I was struggling. My classmates understood me better than this person, called Person G. Person G was one of the in charge of this project and he was one of my trusted friends. When the week started, I alerted Person G that there were problems with the recruitment of Project A. Instead, Person G just shook me off, by saying, Can one, Can one.

He went back to focus on another project. Project B. In the end, we had to make a lot of changes to Project A in order to fit the number of volunteers recruited to the activities in the Project A, so that we can prevent lesser risk taken in the project. Project B was postponed too. We tried to chase after two rabbits at once, and it seems like we got none.

My friends whom signed up for the event, a lot of them actually, asked me, why it happened. I can't find the words to reply, except to do so honestly. Some of them were clearly disappointed. Is that what the Club that I belong to, stands for now? Why? Why has the Club that I loved, that I fought for relentlessly, that I didn't gave up on, that I persist in my passion, become something that I hate, something that I just can't be bothered with, something that doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

What does this mean? Why do I feel this urge to just walk out and quit. Why. It's a learning opportunity. But why do I feel that we have learnt nothing at all? I can't pretend that I am fine. I can't pretend that it's alright. Why has things come to such a state? Why did the Club become something like that? Where have I gone wrong? The Club that used to energise me with its people, inspire me with its project, cheer me up with its nonsense that we used to do together, has became a Club that's draining me physically and emotionally because of its people, making me despair more with its projects, and all the nonsense that we used to have, became full of bullshit excuses, quarrels, disagreements, depressed emotions?

If anyone can hear me, what should I do?

People, Changes?

To be honest, I am really getting tired of people. Why do we have to act like we're alright when we ain't? Is this the sole purpose of this blog? To throw and deposit all the unhappy things, so that I can be alright on the surface? Why is being happy the norm? Isn't it okay not to be okay too, at times?

People change. I do get that and I understand why. Cause I do change too. But I can't stand people who tells me that, this is who they truly are, when I know they're not. It's like... you think you know someone, but at the end of the day, the person feels so far away.

I can't believe that people change. They start to say vulgarities at each and every interval, and their justification is that, I am sometimes quite vulgar too. But nooo. I didn't ever hear any vulgarities from them before. Now it's like, every important moment, there's almost vulgarities to be heard.

I thought people understood me. Apparently, they ain't. They always waiting for me, to understand them. I put myself in their position. But whenever they say something or do something, it doesn't seem like they are putting themselves in my position. You know how hard it is, trying to always think about other people's feelings and you're always the one getting so tired?

Why can't I have my opinion on things? If I disagree, does that mean I am agitated? Hey. It's through email. You can't read my feelings that way. I am just having my own viewpoint on how things should be done. And I ask for other people's opinions too. I listen. Apparently, I am not so important.

I help other people. I tell them to be strong. I tell them to smile. I listen to their misery and try to get them out of it. Can anyone hear mine? No. I don't need anyone to. I just don't need anyone to add on to it. All these thoughts are exploding inside my head. I am tired. MCs can't get enough rest, no matter how many days I have been given.

Enough. People change. And I gotta admit, it's really scary. I don't know anyone anymore. I don't want to be around people anymore. I feel really screwed up. I feel really lost. Half of the time, I am angry because of whatever happened. The other half of the time, I am tired.

I am a human. Not a Saint. I have my own viewpoints on things and on people. Why should I silence myself in order to accept your viewpoints? Yes. I may have extreme viewpoints on people, but that doesn't mean it's not true. You got your break. But that doesn't mean I've got mine. Now, I can't even be honest with anyone anymore. So, you keep your viewpoints and I'll keep mine. I don't care if I am screwing up the whole world to keep them, I just want to be me. If I am me, I know I'll be strong.

Silhouette

What a bad week. I don't like it, and I am not alright. But I don't want to give up and lose the fight.

First, The person whom I thought of as a best friend, became instantly a lie and an irritant. We were in a certain Whatsapp group, and I was pretty much inactive most of the time, because I just have no interest in the things that they were saying. The conversation was pretty much only between two people. Why should I cut in right?

And the thing is, I don't know if he's trying to be funny, or trying to impress the girl in the Whatsapp group, but he made fun of me, saying that I was busy self-mutilating when the others asked about my whereabouts. The hell, he called it off, as a joke later on. I don't get the joke and I don't think it's funny. I have my happy moments too and he needs to respect that. But making fun of me, by saying that I self-mutilate, is too much. I don't care what's his intentions, but at that point of time, it just feels to me that he's making use of me, to send the message across that he's funny. I don't think it's funny to make fun of a friend. How about I make fun of you, saying things that you don't want me to?

That got me pretty worked up and eventually, a nasty flu followed, because I felt like I lost a best friend in that moment.

Secondly, I had a heated exchange with some of the EXCOs members. I always thought that I was doing a good job as President of the Club but I was told that I wasn't doing a good job at all. Imagine, the crash I felt, at that moment. Some of the suggestions, provided were valid and good, but some was just...I don't know, too personal. It was like, I didn't do anything wrong, you refuse to tell me what's wrong, and now you blame me, while you did nothing?

And I hurt two of my friends, whom were Heads too. I didn't even notice that, until it was late. I quickly apologised and I hope that things are alright. But the hell? I just wished that I was better.

Thirdly, I was at an event. And I was so excited about checking my class because, it was just released. To me, I didn't care where I was at, what time was it, but I just wanted to know who's in my class because it was that important to me! It's my last Semester before I will be going on internship. I just want a good experience before I go off and that's why the class schedule was the only thing on my mind back then.

And then I got scolded. It wasn't a normal scolding like, Stop it! or Stop using the laptop now. It was like Stop using the laptop now, if you're not interested, you can go home now. That was just hurtful and adding everything on, I had it. Why wouldn't I be interested? I slogged, I worked hard for the Club, I tried my best, I always am interested and passionate about everything in Service-Learning. You name any event, I have never ever, ever thought the other way that Service-Learning events are boring. It's just that at that point of time, I sidetracked a bit, but that doesn't justify that my passion for Service-Learning events or SLC has disappeared.

It hurts because, it came from a person that matters to me, someone that I can always count on. I know she had her reasons why she was pissed off. But why, so hurtful? I blame the situation at that point of time. Being sick, meant that I was already easily pissed off, and I had a really bad week. I didn't have a good sleep cause I was suffering from a bad cough, I didn't have any appetite at all for my meals. Why did it have to happen?

With my childish mentality, I would have walked out in angry stomps, I can assure you. And at that moment, I wanted to. I thought, so be it, since you think I am not interested, then so be it, I thought you should know best, but I guess I was wrong. I don't know why you were so mad, but I ain't taking any shit from you, I had enough.

But something held me back. I am here for those kids. I am not here to prove once again, how childish I was, and I am certainly not here, just to leave after being hurt and scolded. I am here to make them smile and I ain't going to walk out of anywhere, I am here to stay. I am not going to let my childish thoughts tell me what I should do. I am just going to calm down right now, and I am going to just do whatever I can here. I am going to make my own day happy, and I am going to make the kids happy.

And I did, which I am really proud of. But afterwards, I guess I was too tired to fight the negative thoughts so I'd just let them flow. And I just realised I got into the same class as my ex, afterwards, something I wished it didn't happen.

I am really tired ya know? I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't have anyone to share what I am thinking, but what am I supposed to do? If I could describe how I feel now, I would say, I feel like I just got hit by a incoming bus, at high speed, then flew off to Mount Fuji, and started to roll down the mountain all the way, just to be robbed till the undies, and then I had to beg on the streets, just so I had enough money to call home, and ask for help. Now, I just hope I don't have to experience the feeling that I would get hung up on, after I went through so much just to have enough money to call home.

Worst Day ever.

Today was definitely one of the worst day ever. It's not even close to a Bad day.

A journalist was interviewing me, and apparently, I didn't do well enough to give her the accurate spelling of a certain organisation. It is now published all over the newspaper, and the most popular newspaper in Singapore. I had to walk like to three different places just to get a copy of the newspaper because it ran out. That was fuck shit.

Yesterday, I celebrated a friend's birthday. I suggested, tying him to the chair and then do a lap dance. I thought it will make his birthday memorable. Oh, it got memorable alright. He had a sudden outburst of rage, crying here and there, because I truly have done it and pissed him off.

The day before yesterday, my Vice-President called me and told me that he was very sorry he can't help me in a lot of stuff. That was fucking stupid too. I just keep on doing and doing things that I didn't even bother to make the extra effort to rope him in and stuff. What the fuck?

I hate myself, I hate Kenneth, I hate that I can't get anything right.

The Sunset

Haha. Even my Facilitators says that they are disappointed in me. Oh, how I've fallen.

Go ahead. I already gave up on myself, why shouldn't you guys? I deserved it.

Pissed the only two advisors off consecutively. Can't concentrate in class. Ignoring people. Forcing myself to smile. Being rude.

Maybe I guess, my job is almost done. Maybe I guess, I am not the Kenneth you guys once knew.

It's alright. I don't mind drifting apart from anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Stay away.

Nevermind. It's okay.

It's alright. I can start anew and afresh again. I can.

Who am I? Nobody. I am Nobody.

Who am I? Honestly, I don't have an answer to that question. I don't know who am I. All that I know, is I am not happy. What's Happy? Is it something you can eat and taste? Is it something you can touch? Is it something you feel or is it just plainly and purely hormones?

I haven't been happy for as long as I can remember. I haven't had a great laugh since...I can't remember. Everyday, I drag myself to school with heavy steps, I don't feel happy even if school has ended. Why? Honestly, I don't know the answer. I wished I knew though.

I am without any direction. Everything I do, feels so wrong. I don't know what I am doing, I forgot why I am doing it, I don't even know how to make things right. I feel so confused, like a ship without any destination, like a machine without any purpose, like a puppet without a master. Too many things has happened, I guess. =)

You don't have to reappear in my Life again. Really, you don't have to. Thank you for not considering my feelings. Thank you, cause thanks to you, I can't even feel anymore. So, really, Thank you very much!

Service-Learning is my passion. Now, that passion is ebbing and eroding because of various reasons. I can't keep this up for long either. Nevermind, it's alright. I can do without Service-Learning now that I don't have a heart anymore.

And for that guy, who constantly lies to make you look good in front of other people, I salute you. You definitely deserves that respect. I just don't like you, and so, deal with it. From now on, I am going to give the 'heck care' attitude. I am tired of people. I am tired of myself. I am not going to force myself to like you, I am not going to force myself to be nice to people I don't like, and I am certainly not going to force myself to do things that I don't like to do.