Dear God,
Once again, I've fell in love with this girl, I barely known for 2 months. And here I go again, thinking that she may be the one. I am afraid if I messed this up, I would be single the rest of my life.
She's leaving in two days, for university as well as her vacations. These past two months, I've been coming up with reasons for me to stay away from her, as well as being rather cold to her, so that I can avoid all these crap. I got hurt 2 times in a row, I don't want to get hurt again.
I don't know what I should do. I don't know how should I feel. God, I know this isn't a one for one exchange kind of deal, and it isn't the way how you work. But I really need some guidance, and some Hope right now. I admit that I've never always relied on you, and have always survive my own way. But this time, this is too much for me to think about. Or rather, I am confused. God, for all the good things I've done in my life so far, I hope that you will give me another chance. A chance to be happy again, a chance to be full of hope again.
I am afraid to say that I would really miss her, after she goes. And I really do think she's cute, and I like her. But all these, just can't be expressed through my mouth. I don't know what to do, or what to feel. God, please save an outcast like me.
Wednesday 5 June 2013
Sunday 2 June 2013
I don't understand.
I don't understand. Why do I feel so transparent in front of other people? Is it maybe because I'm jealous that other people are getting the attention instead of me? All I know is, this feeling sucks, big time. I don't get it. Am I doing any less work compared to others? Am I not going through any harsh times like other people do? Am I not having enough moments that gets me down? I don't get it.
Do I appear as if, I am not afraid of being lonely?
People: XXX is so busy lately. We must help him. XXX is so stressed up lately.
Me: Hey, what about me? My workload isn't any lesser than theirs, in fact it's more. Why doesn't anybody show me any concern at all?
People: XXX is sick. *Gives the Awwww face* We must take care of him.
Me: Hey, I was very sick just a few days ago. Nobody even noticed. What the hell?
Do people even understand how it feels like, when you're going through a bad day, and you're trying to hide it all away, and the least, people could do is to stop talking about other people, like your bad day didn't even matter to them?
How long has it been, since anyone gave me any encouragements when I needed it? Since when has anyone gave me a slightest tinge of Hope whenever I needed it? Since when has anyone felt that something's not right with me, and comes to volunteer as my listening ear.
Everybody's just, on Facebook,
XXX: Hey Crayon. I am feeling a bit down, can you inspire me and make me feel better?
Me: I just do whatever I need to do.
In reality,
Me: Hey, are you alright? It's okay, let's talk.
XXX: I have xxxx problems, and they are xxxx and xxxx.
Me: Gives encouragement, gives Hope, gives support.
When I needed help, when I needed someone to hear me out,
XXX: Busy.
YYY: Not close enough with him.
ZZZ: Stressed up.
AAA: Busy.
Where's everyone? I used to feel so needed, now I'm just not needed. In fact, I am not even part of the picture anymore. It feels like ever since I went on internship, It's like everybody's already kicking me out of their lives. Like I don't matter anymore.
Oh, it's okay. Crayon's easily irreplaceable with XXX. Whatever Crayon can do, XXX and YYY can do.
I am just afraid, that the day, I go back to school, is the day that I discover, whomever I was close with in the past, that place that I used to occupy, that special feeling that everybody gives me, becomes the property of another man/woman. It's like Crayon never existed and was never ever there.
Once in a while, I would feel good, if anyone bothered to check on me and give me encouragements. Just once in a while. Just once in a while, I would like to hear them say, Hey, I missed you. This feeling of nothing ever feels right, just makes me so angry, and so depressed.
This pathetic constant desire for some concern and attention drives me insane. I don't ever want to feel this way AGAIN! I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need you, and I especially don't need you. If this is the way, I am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world, then this shall be the last time, I am doing so.
I don't care. I am not fine, I am angry, and I'm probably explode in your face. So do me a favor, God. Just shut up with the inner voice, Help him, help her. HELP ME IF YOU ARE EVER THERE before, I ever turn into a monster I'll never ever want myself to be.
Someone, give me Hope, please.
P.S: I am thankful, for this girl whom I shall not named, who shows me the concern I needed once in a while. We take the LRT together, going round and round, thank you for making me happy, you know who you are.
Do I appear as if, I am not afraid of being lonely?
People: XXX is so busy lately. We must help him. XXX is so stressed up lately.
Me: Hey, what about me? My workload isn't any lesser than theirs, in fact it's more. Why doesn't anybody show me any concern at all?
People: XXX is sick. *Gives the Awwww face* We must take care of him.
Me: Hey, I was very sick just a few days ago. Nobody even noticed. What the hell?
Do people even understand how it feels like, when you're going through a bad day, and you're trying to hide it all away, and the least, people could do is to stop talking about other people, like your bad day didn't even matter to them?
How long has it been, since anyone gave me any encouragements when I needed it? Since when has anyone gave me a slightest tinge of Hope whenever I needed it? Since when has anyone felt that something's not right with me, and comes to volunteer as my listening ear.
Everybody's just, on Facebook,
XXX: Hey Crayon. I am feeling a bit down, can you inspire me and make me feel better?
Me: I just do whatever I need to do.
In reality,
Me: Hey, are you alright? It's okay, let's talk.
XXX: I have xxxx problems, and they are xxxx and xxxx.
Me: Gives encouragement, gives Hope, gives support.
When I needed help, when I needed someone to hear me out,
XXX: Busy.
YYY: Not close enough with him.
ZZZ: Stressed up.
AAA: Busy.
Where's everyone? I used to feel so needed, now I'm just not needed. In fact, I am not even part of the picture anymore. It feels like ever since I went on internship, It's like everybody's already kicking me out of their lives. Like I don't matter anymore.
Oh, it's okay. Crayon's easily irreplaceable with XXX. Whatever Crayon can do, XXX and YYY can do.
I am just afraid, that the day, I go back to school, is the day that I discover, whomever I was close with in the past, that place that I used to occupy, that special feeling that everybody gives me, becomes the property of another man/woman. It's like Crayon never existed and was never ever there.
Once in a while, I would feel good, if anyone bothered to check on me and give me encouragements. Just once in a while. Just once in a while, I would like to hear them say, Hey, I missed you. This feeling of nothing ever feels right, just makes me so angry, and so depressed.
This pathetic constant desire for some concern and attention drives me insane. I don't ever want to feel this way AGAIN! I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need you, and I especially don't need you. If this is the way, I am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world, then this shall be the last time, I am doing so.
I don't care. I am not fine, I am angry, and I'm probably explode in your face. So do me a favor, God. Just shut up with the inner voice, Help him, help her. HELP ME IF YOU ARE EVER THERE before, I ever turn into a monster I'll never ever want myself to be.
Someone, give me Hope, please.
P.S: I am thankful, for this girl whom I shall not named, who shows me the concern I needed once in a while. We take the LRT together, going round and round, thank you for making me happy, you know who you are.
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