I don't understand. Why do I feel so transparent in front of other people? Is it maybe because I'm jealous that other people are getting the attention instead of me? All I know is, this feeling sucks, big time. I don't get it. Am I doing any less work compared to others? Am I not going through any harsh times like other people do? Am I not having enough moments that gets me down? I don't get it.
Do I appear as if, I am not afraid of being lonely?
People: XXX is so busy lately. We must help him. XXX is so stressed up lately.
Me: Hey, what about me? My workload isn't any lesser than theirs, in fact it's more. Why doesn't anybody show me any concern at all?
People: XXX is sick. *Gives the Awwww face* We must take care of him.
Me: Hey, I was very sick just a few days ago. Nobody even noticed. What the hell?
Do people even understand how it feels like, when you're going through a bad day, and you're trying to hide it all away, and the least, people could do is to stop talking about other people, like your bad day didn't even matter to them?
How long has it been, since anyone gave me any encouragements when I needed it? Since when has anyone gave me a slightest tinge of Hope whenever I needed it? Since when has anyone felt that something's not right with me, and comes to volunteer as my listening ear.
Everybody's just, on Facebook,
XXX: Hey Crayon. I am feeling a bit down, can you inspire me and make me feel better?
Me: I just do whatever I need to do.
In reality,
Me: Hey, are you alright? It's okay, let's talk.
XXX: I have xxxx problems, and they are xxxx and xxxx.
Me: Gives encouragement, gives Hope, gives support.
When I needed help, when I needed someone to hear me out,
XXX: Busy.
YYY: Not close enough with him.
ZZZ: Stressed up.
AAA: Busy.
Where's everyone? I used to feel so needed, now I'm just not needed. In fact, I am not even part of the picture anymore. It feels like ever since I went on internship, It's like everybody's already kicking me out of their lives. Like I don't matter anymore.
Oh, it's okay. Crayon's easily irreplaceable with XXX. Whatever Crayon can do, XXX and YYY can do.
I am just afraid, that the day, I go back to school, is the day that I discover, whomever I was close with in the past, that place that I used to occupy, that special feeling that everybody gives me, becomes the property of another man/woman. It's like Crayon never existed and was never ever there.
Once in a while, I would feel good, if anyone bothered to check on me and give me encouragements. Just once in a while. Just once in a while, I would like to hear them say, Hey, I missed you. This feeling of nothing ever feels right, just makes me so angry, and so depressed.
This pathetic constant desire for some concern and attention drives me insane. I don't ever want to feel this way AGAIN! I don't need anyone. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need you, and I especially don't need you. If this is the way, I am going to feel for caring so much and letting people in my world, then this shall be the last time, I am doing so.
I don't care. I am not fine, I am angry, and I'm probably explode in your face. So do me a favor, God. Just shut up with the inner voice, Help him, help her. HELP ME IF YOU ARE EVER THERE before, I ever turn into a monster I'll never ever want myself to be.
Someone, give me Hope, please.
P.S: I am thankful, for this girl whom I shall not named, who shows me the concern I needed once in a while. We take the LRT together, going round and round, thank you for making me happy, you know who you are.
Aye!
ReplyDeleteI guess i'm transparent like you as well or maybe even more. I don't want to talk to anyone about this so i just write here okay? Secret between both of us :-) AND NO, YOU PLEASE DO NOT TRY SOLVE ANYTHING FOR ME CUS I DON'T NEED HELP, i just need someone to hear me out.
So recently, i don't know what happened... Being a vp sucks. Sucks so bad, i'd rather be a normal member like before, not even heads or anything. I have to balance my life out and i cannot afford to stay in the club all the time, you know? But someone told me appear more in the club so people know you're THERE. Don't get it, never will get it. I'm there but i'm slacking and doing nothing except chit chatting. Yes, bonding between each other but now i'm so heavy on my studies and i cannot afford to do that now. I try my best to drop by once in a while and i felt as if i'm not suppose to to be there, so transparent.
And there's this girl call ellyne. I don't really like her cus everyone's like into her? Jovin, mun ting, wei xing and other club members? I can't even.... Like everyone i have is so close to her now? Especially jovin. Even go home have to wait for her. fml. I wish i could stop myself from rolling eyes honestly. I'm jealous and all okay but that's cus i'm only human and if a person that means a lot to me suddenly become so close with others, i'd feel upset. But it's okay cus its been a few months now and i'll get over it soon. :))
And post dreamspiration. Qi dao wo ya si! It's okay you know, to not get credits. I'm totally find with it. Fine with people only crediting jovin for this whole project and what not. That ellyne really want to Qi si wo! >..< I didn't really appear much for dreamspiration last one month-ish is because i have some family issues which you already know..... from jovin. But i did the back end work what. Did whatever seraph asked to do and all. What? I work so hard, have to struggle with everything i have. What really upset me is Seraph send the mail for Jovin to do up the OSG newsletter for dreamspiration. WHAT? Am i not important in this project that she have to send it to Jovin only? I always thought in this project we don't have hierarchy because both of us stand equally., have equal voice. It really upsets me la, to be so neglected and jovin had to tell me to do with him because he don't want me to feel left out. That hurts man. But what can i do? I wanted to not help him at all since seraph asked him to do and not ME. I was angry and upset and whatever... but i helped in the end because it's also my project. I don't need anyone to credit me. But sometimes... i think they are too much. Way too much. I'm sick and tired of all these honestly.
And thank you for making me happy too :-)