Love-Hate Relationship

Ever had something you like so much, or used to like so much, that turned into hatred for the same thing. I did, this week.

Something went wrong this week and let's call that Project A. Project A is a project where we will help others in need out. It's a project that has offered time and time again, Hope and Joy. Recruitment for volunteers in Project A started last week and the numbers weren't very positive. It wasn't my project so it was hard for me to decide, to intervene or not.

Eventually, I did. I blasted the email to people I knew. My classmates was such a dear and they helped out when they saw that I was struggling. My classmates understood me better than this person, called Person G. Person G was one of the in charge of this project and he was one of my trusted friends. When the week started, I alerted Person G that there were problems with the recruitment of Project A. Instead, Person G just shook me off, by saying, Can one, Can one.

He went back to focus on another project. Project B. In the end, we had to make a lot of changes to Project A in order to fit the number of volunteers recruited to the activities in the Project A, so that we can prevent lesser risk taken in the project. Project B was postponed too. We tried to chase after two rabbits at once, and it seems like we got none.

My friends whom signed up for the event, a lot of them actually, asked me, why it happened. I can't find the words to reply, except to do so honestly. Some of them were clearly disappointed. Is that what the Club that I belong to, stands for now? Why? Why has the Club that I loved, that I fought for relentlessly, that I didn't gave up on, that I persist in my passion, become something that I hate, something that I just can't be bothered with, something that doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

What does this mean? Why do I feel this urge to just walk out and quit. Why. It's a learning opportunity. But why do I feel that we have learnt nothing at all? I can't pretend that I am fine. I can't pretend that it's alright. Why has things come to such a state? Why did the Club become something like that? Where have I gone wrong? The Club that used to energise me with its people, inspire me with its project, cheer me up with its nonsense that we used to do together, has became a Club that's draining me physically and emotionally because of its people, making me despair more with its projects, and all the nonsense that we used to have, became full of bullshit excuses, quarrels, disagreements, depressed emotions?

If anyone can hear me, what should I do?